In the highest branches of a fictional tree live a whole bunch of gods. One of them is named Thor, and he has a hammer with a long and unpronounceable name that he loves very dearly. Therefore, when Thor wakes up to find that some idiot has stolen his hammer, he is understandably Very Annoyed.
Thor's trickster uncle Loki is in a surprisingly generous mood, and he offers to help Thor find his hammer. So he shapeshifts into a raven and flies away to the Jotun in Jotunheim, which roughly translates to the Giants in Giant-Land. He goes up to the leader of the giants, Thrym, and asks if he's seen Thor's hammer.
"I've seen it," Thrym laughs. "In fact, I'm the one who stole it! It's buried seven miles underground, so don't bother trying to find it. But go on home to the highest branches of the fictional tree and tell everyone that Thor will get his hammer back--but only if I get to marry your goddess Freya."
Loki turns himself back into a raven and flies back to the highest branches of the fictional tree, where he tells everyone what's going on. Freya, understandably, does NOT want to marry this evil giant, and she tells Thor he needs to find another way to get his hammer back.
"Here's a bright idea," says a god with a long and unpronounceable name. "Why don't we put Thor in a dress, send him off to Giant-Land, and have him marry Thrym instead?"
"Here's a bright idea," says Thor. "Let's NOT do that."
The god with a long and unpronounceable name sits back and puts his feet up, waiting for Thor to come up with a better idea. He can't, so it's off to the dress-maker he goes, where he gets the fanciest wedding gown and veil the gods can create. Loki shapeshifts into Thor's maidservant and comes with.
So Thor and Loki go to the Giants in Giant-Land, and Thrym is very happy to see them. He throws a feast for the wedding, at which Thor eats more than a teenage boy at Golden Corral. In fact, he eats a whole ox, eight fish, and Every. Single. Dessert.
"Um," says Thrym, "that's not normal."
"Don't worry about it," says Loki. "Freya's been so excited about marrying you that she hasn't eaten for a whole week."
Thrym finds that behavior very attractive, so much so that he goes to kiss his...er, 'bride.' But Thor starts glaring at him through his veil.
"Does she always stare like that?" Thrym asks.
Loki has to think fast. "Um...she hasn't slept for a few nights, either. Because she's so excited."
This answer also pleases Thrym, who lets his 'bride'-to-be go off and rest before the ceremony. Luckily for Thor, during the ceremony, his hammer is brought out and placed in his lap. Before anyone can say "I do," Thor swings his hammer around--dress, veil, and all--and kills everyone at the wedding feast. Except for Loki, of course. Which he probably should have.
Thor gets out of the wedding dress faster than he's ever gotten his clothes off before, and he goes back to the highest branches of the fictional tree, where he lives happily ever after until Ragnarok, which is a story for another day.
M. J. Piazza is a Jesus-loving, dog-walking country girl who just so happens to write books.