The Dialectic Criminal

(I wrote this piece for my creative writing class. I had to make a story containing twenty idioms or figures of speech. It's based off a piece by Christopher Dewdney called "The Dialectic Criminal," which is a confusing but fun read. Anyway, without further ado....)

I haven’t been in this much hot water in a coon’s age. I had to screw my courage to the sticking place and keep on keeping on. I knew I ought to lie in this bed I’d made from an open can of worms, but I didn’t want to rise up with fleas. I had my head in the clouds, commented the peanut gallery. I decided to get out of Dodge even though I was standing on a hole.
I thumbed it to high heaven and burned the bridges as I crossed them. I wanted to drown in a sea of faces, but I kept getting saved by the bell. I knew I couldn’t have my cake and eat it too, but I couldn’t go back to the ranch. So I high-tailed it to hell and back and came out worse for the wear.